There was a day not so long ago that I call ‘The fateful mint aero rocky road day’.
My lovely friend Mhairi had successfully made a delicious treat which I loved. I asked for the recipe and was excited to make it for my friends coming round. I am 35 years old and have worked out some of my strengths and weaknesses. While I am first to admit my many failings I am fairly confident in my cooking abilities. This recipe looked like a breeze. I tried, I failed. I bought more ingredients, I tried again, I failed. I bought yet more ingredients… I tried, I failed… do you see where this is going?
I cried, I wailed, I swore, I declared in a loud unwavering voice “This rocky road will not defeat me!” (In case your wondering it did) I wholeheartedly overreacted when my husband gingerly suggested I stop and maybe just buy some cookies and I shouted things like, “I can’t do anything else in life! This is the only thing I am good at and now I can’t even do this - I’m a complete failure!” I slammed doors wasted more money on something that didn’t matter. This rocky road was becoming a battle I was going to win and after spending over £20 on ingredients I finally admitted defeat. It had won. I couldn’t do it. I felt a failure. I had not only wasted money, swore at my husband and acted like a raving lunatic in front of kids crying into my seized chocolate I had surprised myself.
The things that I said about myself, did I really believe them? I thought I had embraced Gods grace for me. How could a traybake shake me so much. Did I really base that much of self worth in my cooking. What was so awful about buying cookies?!?
It’s a funny story and looking back I can laugh. But I had to answer those questions. Who really cared about the traybake? My friends didn’t. It was pride and God was teaching me through this. Niki, you can’t be perfect. It’s not about what you can do. Accept my grace.
I was sure I had dealt with these insecurities already and I shocked myself.
Tonight as I remember this day I am reminded of the words of a song, “You’re not finished with me yet! By your power, I can change I can change. You’re not finished with me yet.” These words that are circling round my head.. and I’m am not so tunefully singing them and can’t stop tears welling up as I think about Gods grace and abundant love…God is not done with me! He has pruned me, moulded me, pointed out the stuff I’m not proud of, shone light on the darkness and lifted me out of the filth! He’s saved my life! And yet he’s not finished! I am so grateful! He’s never done with me, he is never going to stop loving me..I literally am tired of my own voice saying sorry at times, I’m tired of making the same mistakes and repeating the same patterns but He never ever ever tires of forgiving me! He adores me. I am the apple of his eye! And he’s not done!!! In fact I believe the best is yet to come! Instead of sitting still and having my story stop here I will run forward and press on and into what comes next!
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 1:6
How exciting. So yes, a mint aero chocolate rocky road may still reduce me to a potty mouth lunatic but there is grace for me!!! He’s not done! In his goodness he says keep going , keep pressing on toward the goal. My story isn’t over. It’s still being written. My worth is not found in what I can do but who I am in Christ and what he has done for me! I am not defined by my failures and disappointments. Today I had those same friends over for lunch. I love cooking for people and I really enjoyed preparing and making them lunch and for pudding…. I bought some cookies. I am learning it’s all about grace not perfection!
P.S. My beautiful and talented friend Carol Anne was also defeated by the rocky road recipe but she didn’t swear!!! She kindly sent me a picture of her separated chocolate and told me I wasn’t the only one. Don’t you just love friends like that?
I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I will press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 3:13-14
Love Niki x
Thoughts, experiences, and encouragement from the ladies of Falkirk Vineyard.